Anger Reduction

Don told me at a recent session, “I’m pissed off about everyone getting on my case about being angry. Even my f’n brother’s gotta jump on the bandwagon. I’m not angry, I’m just frustrated, goddamnit.” Later that hour, when I repeated back to Don what he had said, and asked him how he thought that guy was feeling, he laughed. “He sounds like a pretty angry guy to me.”

I see a lot of angry people and many of them, initially, would like to explain to me all the good reasons they have for being angry. Anger comes naturally to human beings. It, like the Chicago Police Department, “serves and protects.” It also defends. However, like Don, most of my clients realize that anger is not their friend and is not doing them much good.

Rollo May, a renowned existential philosopher and psychologist, said, “The greater the rage, the greater the sense of impotence.” When people feel powerless, they also feel shame. I recognize and respect that it’s difficult to talk to anyone (including a therapist) about those things that we feel ashamed of. When a client like Don talks to me about being “pissed off,” I admire his honesty and am curious about what it will take to (in Don’s words) “lighten up.”

When I’m helpful to clients who identify anger as a problem, it’s because I’ve asked the kinds of questions that allow them to think about what or how they would like to handle a situation differently. That process — conceiving of a new and better way of reacting—is the beginning of a more effective way of relating to the world. I work with clients using a two-pronged approach: First, to help them develop awareness and confidence to respond differently in the present, and second, to guide them as they develop a context for understanding the source of those feelings of rage, helplessness, or shame.

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