I often joke with my clients that the number of hours I spend working with adolescents is my children’s revenge (I have a twenty-year-old son and sixteen-year-old daughter).

This is my way of letting families know that I’m well aware that raising teenagers is difficult under the best of circumstances, and that I have more than theoretical knowledge about how to be helpful in times of frequent crisis.

When I work with teens and their families, I utilize two guiding principles:

First, parents know more about their children than a therapist ever will. No matter how much experience and knowledge I have, there’s no way that I can exercise the amount of influence on a child (especially an adolescent) that a parent can. For this reason, I often think of myself as a consultant when working with families. My input is useful only to the extent that I’m able to connect with everyone in the family, and be perceived and trusted by them as balanced and unbiased.

Second, all of us—especially adolescents—need the opportunity to learn from our mistakes. Part of a teenager’s job description is to push limits. A parent's job is often to help a son or daughter understand the costs and benefits of “pushing.”

Blended families, of course, provide their own unique sets of circumstances. To be an effective consultant, it’s important that I take the time to learn from my clients about situations outside the home—especially involving ex-spouses—that influence children in the blended family either positively or negatively. It’s also imperative that I understand what it is that each family member wants to be different, and what each is willing to do to make it happen.

HOME